Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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