I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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