i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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