Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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