Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
