I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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