dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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