I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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