You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
