The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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