Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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