I hate all girls vehemently.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
