Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
