this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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