And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
