if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
