he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
