I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
im on a boat
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