you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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