i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
