Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
