Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize