She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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