Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
