I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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