don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
