I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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