I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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