just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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