I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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