Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
