you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
