I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
