The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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