question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
