Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
