U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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