Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
