At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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