Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
