dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
