just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
