dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
