you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
