i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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