I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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