oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
