got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
