I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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