I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
