"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
