I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
